People of Walmart: Where Are They Now?

In the late 2000’s the website, People of Walmart, became the newest online entertainment that I couldn’t get enough of. Recently, I was watching the sunrise and wondered to myself where the People of Walmart are now. I mean what if they changed their lives around? I asked some friends about what they thought to which they responded they still shop at Wal-Mart. That wasn't exactly the answer I wanted, so I compiled a list of the People of Walmart and where I hope they are now. Just a disclaimer: this is a satirical blog post. I don't own any of the photographs or images. I'd also like to disclaim that all names and stories are fake, if there happens to be any resemblance of a real person its purely coincidental. Thank you.

Debra Shoenbach

Ever the trend maker, Debra Schoenbach “forgot” to wear a top during her trip to Walmart on a sunny, Florida day. She paraded around the store showcasing her newest outfit, a take on the everyday attire of a panhandle woman and the risqué of a Miami influencer. She had combined strappy turquoise wedges from T.J. Maxx, with dark denim capris from Wal-Mart that were adorned with a leather belt her brother in law made. To top it all off an Olga bra brings the much needed statement to the outfit, while the blonde hair color adds the influence of a Miami influencer. On the same afternoon world renowned scouting agent, Hans Beowulf, was on his way to Miami when he realized he had forgotten his AirPods, he begrudgingly stopped at Walmart. As he shopped in the electronic department he spotted his newest muse, Debra! With her incredible posture, inventive fashion sense, and rare comfort meets confidence disposition he knew that she was perfect for his newest Michael Kors swim campaign! Debra shot for Hans Beowulf and was instantly praised for her natural talent and Beowulf for his ability to cast. Today Debra continues to work in the modeling industry, signed to H. Beowulf Industries, and posing for Athleta, Land’s End, and of course Michael Kors!

Josephine Smith

Josephine Smith has always had a knack for rainbows, singing, bows, and chaos. While in the party supply aisle at Walmart Josephine eyed a toy microphone and took a note of inspiration from her Grateful Dead t-shirt as she realized she too could be a star! A few months, some signing lessons, a name change, and lots of Botox and age reducing procedures later she became bubbly, teen entertainer JoJo Siwa! Her zany, rainbow adorned, coked up energy took the tween world by storm as she became the JoJo Siwa we all know and love today!

Rodney-David McMiller

At twelve years old Rodney-David, using his strength and agility, beat his uncle Harry in their family's annual human calf wrangling contest. Proving to be the alpha of the family Rodney-David continued to wrangle calves, even becoming the winner in tie-down calf roping at Cheyenne Frontier Days with a time of 5.6 seconds! However, it all changed when he was shooting his campaign for CINCH jeans. He was atop his horse, Buck, jumped off, attempted to tie the calf's legs together, but as he was in action the calf came free and trotted free from Rodney-David's famous tight tie. That calf would be the first to escape his grip and become the infamous, less than 8 second ride bull, Tenacious. He was devastated, a calf had never managed to escape his rope tie, he finished the shoot and quit. 

Rod began working in his father's tack and western supply store and he wondered if he was still the alpha of the family. Twenty years went by, until one day when he went to Wal-Mart to pick up dog food with his wife. As they were walking a rogue deer pranced pass them and instinct kicked in for Rodney-David. He sprinted after the frantic deer and pounced! He grabbed the neck of the deer and used his body weight to bring it down. In that moment Rodney knew he still had what it took to wrangle calves, even after twenty years! The people of Walmart cheered for him as he saved them from the deer! While leaving that Wal-Mart he knew he could calf wrangle again even if it was hard and could fail, so he got back up on his horse and began calf wrangling. Eventually he’d make it to the top again after many attempts and successes and even able to wrangle the now burly bull, Tenacious, who led to his early retirement years before. He could do anything! 

Portia Mercedes

Portia Mercedes looked like any ol’ sex doll…dumb and lifeless. It wasn’t a life she chose for herself, but one designed for her by some freak engineer. While, in Walmart one day she realized she wasn’t who she used to be, but instead a replica of a 2012 Amanda Byrnes post DUI. She knew she was destined for more, so she stopped functioning forcing her to be recycled amongst old computers and copper wire. One day a designer came across the recycled technology and saw Portia. Like Dr. Frankenstein, the engineer combined all the old technology and transformed Portia into Sophia the humanoid robot. Sophia would showcase the incredible evolution of AI technology and become the first robot to pose for Elle and Cosmopolitan magazine. At last Portia became who she really was…a different robot.

Thank you for reading! I enjoyed finding the words to describe a picture. God Bless!